Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
