They should really pass out barf bags in church
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
