you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
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