a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
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