Apparently you make a good broom.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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