so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Randomize
