jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
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