My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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