if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
My breasts were aching with rage.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
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