every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
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