She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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