I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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