Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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