i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
