If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
