Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
