I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
