it wasn't lemon gatorade
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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