Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
