The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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