am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
