Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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