From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
