Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
