just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
