I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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