Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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