So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
