one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
