I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
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