whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
