yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
