his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
