1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
