I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
