my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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