i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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