Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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