Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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