i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
