During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
