he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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