she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
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