i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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