Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
