Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
