my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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