just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
