I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
