please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
