So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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