# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
