My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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